Dear 2019,
You just might be the wildest, most robust, polarizing, exciting and fulfilling year to date. The last few years have all seemed to go by relatively fast, but you have flown by. I feel like you’ve been like a wise older sister or friend to me. You’ve held my hand and ran me through some wild experiences, guided me through some tough ones, given me some much-needed reality checks and held me still when I had too much momentum to see what was right in front of me.
Thank you for opening my eyes to all of the different forms of beauty that are always present in life. Beautiful places, beautiful people, beautiful food, beautiful struggles, beautiful messes and such. I learned to love sunny days and rainy days alike.
Thank you for showing me just how big life can be and just how small it can be. For showing me electric blue oceans, bird’s eye plane views, magical, larger than life performances, beaches of white, fluffy sand that run as far as you can see and mountains that make me feel like a tiny little spec. And then there’s the smaller things. Time alone in the studio I grew up in, hours of studying in my bedroom, first birthday parties, working with my sister, cooking again, hanging out with my family, being around for the milestones of the people in my life. You’ve made me feel like I’m floating in the skies of cotton candy clouds and you’ve made me feel more rooted to the ground than I ever have.
Thank you for all the art. For the music, the performances, the books, the creative processes. I’ve enjoyed music this year more than any other year. To witness my close friends sing their hearts out and stand confident in themselves as artists on stage and to see them sing pieces together that moved everyone in the space was so special. I still can’t believe that was part of my daily life.
Thank you for the chance to see performances that made me remember why I love dancing. Performances that inspired me, made me dream all over again and reinforced a deep, deep sense of appreciation for those who choose to live part of their life on stage.
Thank you for the time to read. I read some of the most beautiful words I have ever read, (and some not so great) but regardless, I loved the hours when I got to sit and do nothing but read.
Thank you for just letting me be. After a tough year of feeling unclear, unworthy and generally lost it was so meaningful to have an extended period of time wherein I could just be present and enjoy living as a stronger version of myself. So I guess thank you for the 8 months of no cell service as well, I think that helped.
This year had me in awe of so many things, so much of the time. I saw water that was a shade of blue I didn’t even know existed, I dove forty feet underwater and felt like a freaking mermaid, I held a stingray in my arms, I zip lined across the ocean and I stared at the Eiffel Tower the way I imagine a mother stares at her child when it’s first born. I am still in awe of everything.
Thank you for all the time with the ocean. In the ocean, surrounded by the ocean, close to the ocean, on the ocean, whatever. Thank you for the salty, heavy, mightiness that evokes such a strong sense of both wonder and security in me.
Thank you for showing me so many moments of pure magic.
Thank you for showing me one of the most beautiful periods of my life and following it with one of the hardest. Thank you for protecting me from whatever wasn’t right for me by way of rejection. For showing me that I really can handle anything, but it’s okay if I do it as a complete mess. Thank you for throwing things at me that forced me to grow up, take care of myself and prioritize my well-being.
Thank you for taking my plans, crumpling them up and throwing back at me a blustery storm of obstacles, rejections and forked roads this Fall. You gave me the chance to prove to myself how strong I am, how disciplined I can be, that everything is able to be figured out and that if you are in alignment with what’s right for you the struggle will feel worthwhile. Still hard, but worthwhile. And still worthwhile even if you’re still in the thick of it and don’t know exactly what that worthwhile is.
Thank you for the opportunity to learn in a space that is truly the perfect fit for me. For showing me that I can be the kind of student I never thought I was when I am invested in what I am learning. For reminding me every single day that this field is where I am meant to be.
Most importantly, thank you for the people. For the new friends, the soul sisters, the family, the FaceTime catch ups, the reunion trips, the short moments of miraculously being in the same city, the shoulders to lean on, the souls to laugh with and just for bringing about amazing humans to simply be by my side through it all.
Thank you for softening me and thank you for strengthening me.
If there’s one thing that’s prominent after the last few days of reflecting on this year, it’s the concept of allowing myself to be proud of myself. So I will say it here, I am. I am proud of myself. For pushing, for letting go, for sticking up, for flowing and most of all, for honouring myself through it all.
Many things worked out beautifully this year and many other things did not. Regardless of which of those seasons I was in, I knew I had to continue to move through life with respect for myself at the forefront. Respect for myself and what I need, how I allow people to treat me, what I will put up with and respecting my own limits and boundaries. Living this way allowed me to speak honestly, to not be taken advantage of and to just generally be more myself. Thank you for bringing about this awareness, I know it took a long time.
2019, I am leaving you with the utmost gratitude. You’ve given me such clarity to move forward with. Thank you for the last little push to slow down and really look at everything that has happened in the last 365 days. I know I tried to run away from you without saying goodbye, but I’m glad you pulled me back and forced me to properly lay you to rest. We’ve said all we can say, done all we can do, so without further ado, goodbye, 2019. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
With love,
Sam